KD: Hiiii!
T: ...
KD: What's it like being an animal? Do you know
about the future?
T: ...
KD: It has to do with event-planning and
organization. Like, whatever event you have to
organize for, that's the future.
T: ...
KD: This is a crazy shitty first question.
Um...Now that I'm thinking about it, what's a
good definition of time for you?
T: ...
KD: Haha! Sorry! Let's get back...back to it...
T: ...
KD: Do you like the song you play? Like, the
EEEEEE! Sweetly sweetly! That one?
T: ...
KD: EEEE! Sweetly sweetly! I try to whistle
it and I sort of get it. I'm getting there,
I think.
T: ...
KD: When I was little I told myself I'd
whistle everyday, and by the time I was
twenty, I'd be the best whistler in the
world.
T: ...
KD: That failed hard. Hard! I make
promises like that a lot. I told myself
I'd make a jumping frog once a week for
the rest of my life. And I told myself I'd
practive the oboe every day for the rest
of my life. And I'd get really good at the
yo-yo and makeup and crochet and what not.
But life's full of shiny things, and it's
hard not to jump from one thing to another.
And I forget about stuff a lot.
T: ...
KD: I used to find that easy distraction
really shameful, but I don't know. I kind of
like it now. Everything in the universe is
very easily interesting to me. Until it's not.
T: ...
KD: Do you get easily distracted? Or are you,
like, very task oriented?
T: ...
KD: I would assume so, considering you like,
have real problems you have to focus on. Like
feeding your babies and the winter and the
woods. Unlike me, who has time to talk to a
bird.
T: ...
KD: What does it look like when a bird gets
distracted? What kind of stuff distracts you?
T: ...
KD: There's this zen thing I read in a
meditation book that says distraction isn't
what we think it is. Like, distraction only
pops into existence when we don't want to be
distracted. So it's constructed. You can't
really find it...out in the wilderness. If
that makes any sense.
T: ...
KD: But decision-making that leads to unpleasant
consequences, that's very real and very much a
part of the wilderness. You're not going to
escape it no matter where you go. But!
Unpleasantness is how the world stays dynamic.
You wouldn't have a need to change if there was
just pleasantness.
T: ...
KD: Have you made any bad decisions in your
lifetime? What does a bad decision look like
for a hermit thrush?
T: ...
KD: Like, bad worm?
T: ...
KD: So we've both made mistakes, I guess. But
that just makes us a part of a dynamic world.
Would you agree? Is that a fair assessment?
T: ...
KD: I would say I wouldn't enjoy making mistakes
alone in the wilderness. I'd die or get a a
maggot in my foot or something. And I'm a big
weenie and the survivalist stuff would get old
very fast. I'm okay with making mistakes in the
civilized world. Like, even if I flunk out of
college everything would be okay-ish. I
wouldn't die, is what I'm saying.
T: ...
KD: Like, there's this guy in Chile who lived
by himself for forty years. And I watched him
slit the throat of a lamb and feed its insides
to his dogs. I saw the big black bug eyes of a
skinned animal. And I don't know, I'm sure
anyone could used to that stuff in time, but
innitiation would be rough for me.
T: ...
KD: Or maybe it wouldn't? Who knows? Maybe I'm
tougher than I think. I'm not a huge animal-lover,
either. I'd probably eat your babies raw if I was
hungry enough.
T: ...
KD: Sorry.
T: ...
KD: My main concern is that I'm not very strong,
so I'm not sure I'd be able to overpower a lamb.
And I'm not sure I'd have the muscle to skin it
cleanly. Or the know-how to do it right. Someone
would have to teach me, and finding someone to
teach me would be very difficult.
T: ...
KD: So like, ultimately I'm fine with hothouse-
flowering my way through life. Being outside the
wilderness is awesome, actually.
T: ...
KD: My only complaint is that I wish mistake-
making outside of the wilderness was a little
less confusing. A little less depressing and a
bit more, I guess, understandable to me.
T: ...
KD: Like, I hurt someone and that hurt is real,
obviously. But I have to make a lot of guesses
about all the dimensions and all the intensities
of that realness. There's a lot of processing that
has to be done. And I think, maybe the biggest
appeal of the wilderness is that it wouldn't get
mad at me if I fucked up.
T: ...
KD: Like, it wouldn't treat me as a human being.
T: ...
KD: I did some research on ascetics recently. Or
like, ascetic practices. And a big part of those
practices is this need to shed desire. Because when
you desire things, you're ultimately working towards
nothing. Putting effort into nothing. And there's
a lot of desire in civilization, so you renounce
the civilized world and walk into the woods. And
you're not supposed to enjoy it in the traditional
sense. It's supposed to be this deeper joy that
comes through suffering.
T: ...
KD: And it's hard for me to put my head around
certain parts of that. But I guess that's sort of
part of it too. Like, going back to what I said
before, I wouldn't be a part of the universe if I
wasn't confused all the time. Because the
universe moves, and I wouldn't move with it if I
had all the answers all the time.
T: ...
KD: What are you're thoughts on all this? Like,
you live in the wilderness. How do you like it?
T: ...
KD: Do you worry about questions and answers?
T: ...
KD: Do you--Oh! Um, goodbye!
T: ...
KD: ...
T: ...
KD: ...
T: ...
KD: Hey! Where are you going? Is your nest up there?
T: ...
KD: Is it okay if I keep going with my questions?
Can you hear me from up there?
T: ...
KD: ...
T: ...
KD: Okay, I'm just going to sit on the root
here.
T: ...
KD: What's it feel like flying around? Is it like,
Terminator vision? Like making all these little
calculations in your head? Flight simulators are
like that.
T: ...
KD: I'm sure it's very instinctual to you. But how
would you define "instinctual"? That's a word
that's really confused me. Like, what does it
feel like?
T: ...
KD: Is it like meditation? Like, you're aware
of it but you're not like, caught up in it?
T: ...
KD: It's getting near the start of winter and
you're still here. I'm in this forest and you're
all I'm hearing. Congrats on capturing my
attention! I hear you outside my bedroom window
when I wake up. Just a bunch of eee sweetly
sweetly's. It's been nice, but y'all sound sad.
Very nice but, you know, kinda achy-breaky.
T: ...
KD: Why don't you leave? This place is super
gloomy.
T: ...
KD: Was it tough watching everyone else fly
out?
T: ...
KD: I'm sort of in a similar position, and I
don't think I've taken it in stride as well
as you have. Everyone's gone home for
Thanksgiving. I've sort of just been...making
eggs in my kitchen all day. Yum! Happy
Thanksgiving! Scrambled eggs!
T: ...
KD: My mom said I should watch the Macy's Day
Parade to feel better, but it's really
depressing to watch the Macy's Day Parade by
yourself.
T: ...
KD: It's less depressing talking to you.
T: ...
KD: More cold, though! This sucks!
T: ...
KD: You're very easy to talk to. That's
another plus for being in the wilderness. It's
very easy to talk to.
T: ...
KD: I did some more research about like,
the brain. There's like, a LOT of research on how
fucked up lonely children are.
T: ...
KD: ...
T: ...
KD: So you're supposed to have friends when
you're young. If you have friends when you're young,
they can teach you how to be a human being. You're
brain can like, get the proper wrinkles. And if
people want to hang out with you, you can be
motivated to approach future people better, cuz
you know that people like hanging out with you
and think you're awesome. And if you know people
think you're awesome early on, then you can know
you're awesome later in life and be a fully
-functioning member of society. And like, if you
have bad experiences with making friends, then
you're going to be motivated to avoid potential
friends for the rest of forever and fully believe
that you suck cuz no one wants to hang out with
you. Decidedly not fully-functioning member of
society behavior. Which just, you know, really
blows. You have a few bad experiences at recess and
suddenly you're fucked for life. And suddenly you're
useless.
T: ...
KD: Is it easy to make friends when you're a bird?
I know that mating rituals can be sort of competitive.
T: ...
KD: Like, is loneliness a human thing or a animal
thing? Or is "lonely" the right word?
T: ...
KD: Lonely has a lot of different words for it. There
are papers and poems about the difference between
loneliness and solitude, and they're all kind of silly.
Though I like this idea that it depends on what you want.
Do you feel stuck or do you feel liberated? Do you feel
like you've gained or lost power? Do you feel smart
or stupid?
T: ...
KD: ...
T: ...
KD: I feel stupid. I should go back inside and watch the
dog show...
T: ...
KD: ...
T: ...
KD: What's fucked up is that you have to find a
balance between being alone and not being alone. There
are benefits to both, but its shitty to lean too hard
into one or the other. But what is that balance
supposed to look like? What is it supposed to feel like?
T: ...
KD: Nothing ever feels right. The balance is never
reached. Desire is pain, and we're right back to where
we started.
T: ...
KD: Hum hum hum. "It is what it is." Do you think that's
true?
T: ...
KD: I think that's true. I need to keep...I need to
get better at reminding myself it's true. I need to
stop getting so wrapped up in my own sadness. It's
boring. I'm being boring right now!
T: ...
KD: And I'm not actually all that lonely! Later today,
I'm going to facetime my mom and she's going to tape
her phone to a music stand and I'm going to play
cards and Boggle with my family like I'm actually
there.
T: ...
KD: And it's going to be awesome.
T: ...
KD: And I don't need to have this pressure if I
don't want to. I can put it by your tree and leave
it here if I want.
T: ...
KD: I just wish that the sun was out at least. I
worry I'm not getting enough vitamins.
T: ...
KD: I need to start talking to things that will
actually listen.
T: ...
KD: I need to call my mom, is what I mean.
T: ...
KD: ...
T: ...
KD: Not that I don't enjoy your company! You've
been lovely. You have a beautiful voice.
T: ...
KD: ...
T: ...
KD: Do you have anything to say before I go?
T: ...
KD: ...
T: ...
KD: Okay, I'm going to call my mom now.
T: ...
KD: Byeeeeee!
T: ...
KD: ...
T: ...
KD: ...
T: ...
KD: ...